Thankfulness & Frustration
“Thank you, God, for the fleas.”
The first time I read The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom, I was blown away by the part of the book where she and her sister Betsie were in the concentration camp and their barracks were infested with fleas. When they thought things couldn’t possibly get any worse, they did. But that’s not the most shocking part of this story.
The part that shook me was Betsie asking God for help, and her remembering the scripture she had read earlier in the day out of 1 Thessalonians 5:14–18. Part of that passage says to give thanks in all circumstances, and Betsie told Corrie that was their answer. Corrie didn’t understand what there was to be thankful for, so Betsie began to point things out — they were not separated, they were together, the guards never checked their belongings, which allowed them to still have their small Bible.
Corrie began to cry realizing her sister was right, there were things to be thankful for in this place, then Betsie thanked God for the fleas. Incredulously, Corrie interrupted and said there was no way even God could make her thankful for the fleas. But Betsie prayed on in her thankfulness anyway.
Later on, they learn that the reason their barracks enjoyed so much freedom while others regularly had guards coming in and confiscating more and more things, beating the women, and worse, was because of the fleas. The guards did not want the fleas. Corrie then saw that yes, there was a way to be thankful even for the fleas.
I am frustrated in life right now. In October I injured my knee and have been dealing with this constant pain ever since. Getting in to see the doctors has been slow going, and I ended up tearing my calf muscle as I’ve waited because it got so tense and tight from overcompensating for the knee. I still don’t have answers in this yet, but finally am going in to see the orthopedic doctor this Friday.
I have been sick. I spent 5 weeks from Mid-November through Mid-December with a sinus infection that wouldn’t quit. Isolation is not good for me, and my mental health took a big hit during this time, as I sunk low into a depression. I finally started feeling better. I got a job! Things really started looking up, I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel as I began to rise out of the depression.
I started work last week, and it was one of the best weeks I have had in a long time. I had purpose again, something to do, things to think about and get done, people to be around. Then I tested positive for Covid for the second time. All the air went out of me. I was back, stuck, in isolation, fighting those same old demons of loneliness, despair, and fear. Throw in some shame and not wanting to tell people how I really am doing because I’ve felt like such a big downer lately, and I was spiraling fast.
As I laid on my couch crying, a song came on that was like a balm to my weary soul. I had put on some worship music on YouTube and just let it go, and it was as if God took control of what songs were playing and I found myself crying for a whole new reason. He was still here. He was still with me in this pit. I wasn’t alone here. I know all these things in my head, but when the heart is overwhelmed, those things go right out the window.
“I can hear it on the wind of an early morning,
When the fog is getting thick and the birds are chirping,
It’s just something I can’t explain,
But it makes me wanna cry.
I can hear it in the hush of a midnight hour,
When I’m alone in my room and I’m going under,
I just can’t explain it
But it brings me back to life.
Oh, it’s the voice of God,
The voice of God.”
This song lifted my head up just enough for me to remember the Truth. All these circumstances, while big and scary for me, are so small in light of the God of the universe.
“He is still speaking,
He is still declaring,
That He is the voice.
Creation still responds,
The wind still obeys
The voice of God.
The voice of God it’s still healing,
It’s still saving, still creating.
Listen, listen,
For the kindness,
For the hope,
It’s the sound that leads you home,
It’s the voice of God.”
I poured out my frustrations. I let them all come out of me, more than I realized was in me. I didn’t hold any of it back. He is a big God, he can handle my frustration, anger, resentment. I put the song on repeat and continued to let it all flood out of me. The fear, desperation, hopelessness, everything I was and had been feeling came out of me. I carried on until I found the thankfulness.
I’m not sure when or how it happened, but I realized I had switched from giving him all my complaints, to thanking him. I found myself thanking him for things like having so much time to know him in the depths, for his constant kindness, for his never-failing love, for his nonstop presence. I thanked him that I am alive to be sick and injured. When I said that I stopped, and my eyes popped open. Did I mean that? Was I really thanking God for being sick and injured?
“Thank you, God, for the fleas.” “Be thankful in all circumstances.”
I began to think what could I possibly give thanks for in this illness, in this injury. I relate to Corrie in that story, not Betsie. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized Betsie was right. Betsie’s revelation all those years ago was still ringing true.
As I thought on the last few months, I thought of all the people who have shown me care and love. People letting me sleep over at their house for days at a time so I wouldn’t have to be sick alone, people having me over for dinner, people bringing me meals, people going and getting me medicine and prescriptions, people filling my gas tank, people bringing me groceries, people praying with me, people checking in with me every day, people having me over to spend the day sitting on their couches or at their kitchen tables, so I am not alone. This season of illness and injury has brought community out of the woodwork.
They all have spoken life over me, encouraged me, spurred me on to keep going, reminded me of the Truth when I can’t see it through all the tears. Suddenly the “fleas” didn’t seem so bad in the light of so much love and things to be thankful for.
“No other song so precious,
So precious,
As the voice of God.”
I haven’t resolved all my frustrations, but in the light of all these things, the load sure seems lighter. The need to remind myself of them is constant, which is why I’m writing it all out, so I can come back and read it again in a couple hours when I forget again and need reminding. I also wanted to remind all of you, my dear friends, of the key we have in thankfulness. It’s such a simple tool, often overlooked. But it will unlock the doors and windows of your mind you feel trapped in and let in the cool breezes of hope.
“Holy, holy, holy,
No other voice can compete,
No other voice can stand beside,
It is holy, holy, holy,
It calms my fears,
It soothes my doubts,
His voice, His voice, His voice is holy
Holy, holy holy.”
